Break my bones but I’m taking ME back

Well, it’s been awhile since blogging. I had picked up the habit for a short while and then life took over. The past 10 months or so I’ve really been struggling. I suffered injuries from a car accident. It turned my life upside down and I’m still not 100% recovered and not where I used to be in my life.

A year ago, I was a fitness junkie; training and preparing myself for competitions. When my accident happened, I was told the gym was off limits 110%. Not even cardio (& i hate cardio!) I had no idea what to do with myself; my body was not going at the speed I wanted it to. I am a very fast paced person, juggling a million and one things at a time. I took my body for granted even though I had health issues it still managed to keep up with me. But this accident had rendered me to 1/2 day (at most) activities before pain will take over and I needed to lay down and pop some medication.

My workout time was replaced with therapy 5x a week…..yes basically like a part time job. I am fortunate enough that my job allowed me to work from home due to my accident. But even then I still suffered pain while working. My mental state was all over the place. Anxiety all time high, PTSD returned full force from a previous horrific crash I had years ago. I was terrified of driving, jumpy, mood swings, etc.

I needed my therapist….the gym. I had an abundance of love and support from family and friends but I still struggled internally. I questioned everything about my life and whether I was going to ever be OK or reach my goals. I would sometimes burst into tears for no apparent reason just my anxiety causing outbursts.

It’s been a long road, slow progress, and learning to adapt to my new limitations. I finally have clearance to do light lower body workouts. Back when I first was in the accident I was itching to hear that news. I wanted to jump back to the weights but now I’ve been avoiding the gym for a few weeks.

I am terrified of going back, I know that my body is no where near where it was before. The strength my head thinks my body has is not the actual strength my body can handle. I know that frustration and lots of pain and discomfort awaits me. I have felt my body rust up you can say. I feel stiffer and more rickety. I am afraid of failing to make my full comeback.

No one really thinks beyond the physical aspect about injuries. Sometimes the mental takes a bigger toll than the actual injury does. I’m afraid but I miss ME. The me who was so disciplined and determined to make her appearance on stage. Me who had the energy to enjoy the outdoors and activities without scheduling ‘recovery time’ to make up for it.

I’ve decided to slowly make a comeback to the gym. I have started with cleaning up my diet to help my energy level and start shedding off the weight I gained from inactivity. Preparing to go through the process of loving my body again and shaping it to what I want it to be. It’s going to be a hellish road but I am determined to do this. Small changes will create the bigger picture eventually, I just need to remind myself of that.

I’ll start blogging again to give me a bit of an outlet, I had initially wanted to start after my accident but again frustration and chaos kind of took over my life. Better late than never!

“It may be stormy but it never rains forever”

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