I need help with baby names. I’m not pregnant, fools, I literally just learned what fabric softener was like yesterday. I cannot take care of a miniature human yet. Also, I don’t want to buy new pants. But I do like to daydream about the names of my future offspring, so I keep a note […]
Week 1 is over!
I managed to stay about 80% clean on my diet. I normally am the one to be my worst critic and very hard on myself but trying to break old habits. Dieting has always been my weakness in this lifestyle. Be that I’m Hispanic and raised on good old home cooking and Adobo being the #1 used spice in every meal (helloooo Sodium.) So I’m happy that I stuck with it even said no to the open bars and empty calorie free drinks. I went on vacation a lot past month so the all-inclusive eating habit has been hard to break. Don’t think I lost much weight, I’m trying to still find balance in eating all my meals and balancing my macros. UGHHH frustrating…I feel like a newbie all over again.
I finally took a step into my old gym yesterday. First day back and I was shaking from anxiety and nervousness. Took a few minutes to unfreeze my account and as I waited my hands shook and my back starting to hurt. I powered through made it to the locker room and felt the need to puke. (tmi i know) I got to the weights area and started warming up. my body felt so rickety lol and I felt like I was dusting cobwebs off and firing up an old machine.
I managed to do 1/4 of my usual workout with NO weights added just my body weight. It was tough accepting that and luckily I had someone to keep me from continuing and hurting myself. I was really frustrated and sad…I felt like my body was betraying me. I had muscle soreness kicking in and my back was flaring up. I also got a really bad case of hives….a new trick that started happening post accident. Every time I sweat full on hive mode. I look very scary and splotchy and read lol. I startled myself when I looked in the mirror…hives traveled all over.
The next morning I am barely able to move my legs….last time I felt it this intensely it was when I was increasing my normal weights. I missed the feeling, sad it was caused by a measly workout but happy I am back. Time to foam roll my legs out…..please excuse me while I cry my eyes out.
“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect.”
― Margaret Mitchell
Well, it’s been awhile since blogging. I had picked up the habit for a short while and then life took over. The past 10 months or so I’ve really been struggling. I suffered injuries from a car accident. It turned my life upside down and I’m still not 100% recovered and not where I used to be in my life.
A year ago, I was a fitness junkie; training and preparing myself for competitions. When my accident happened, I was told the gym was off limits 110%. Not even cardio (& i hate cardio!) I had no idea what to do with myself; my body was not going at the speed I wanted it to. I am a very fast paced person, juggling a million and one things at a time. I took my body for granted even though I had health issues it still managed to keep up with me. But this accident had rendered me to 1/2 day (at most) activities before pain will take over and I needed to lay down and pop some medication.
My workout time was replaced with therapy 5x a week…..yes basically like a part time job. I am fortunate enough that my job allowed me to work from home due to my accident. But even then I still suffered pain while working. My mental state was all over the place. Anxiety all time high, PTSD returned full force from a previous horrific crash I had years ago. I was terrified of driving, jumpy, mood swings, etc.
I needed my therapist….the gym. I had an abundance of love and support from family and friends but I still struggled internally. I questioned everything about my life and whether I was going to ever be OK or reach my goals. I would sometimes burst into tears for no apparent reason just my anxiety causing outbursts.
It’s been a long road, slow progress, and learning to adapt to my new limitations. I finally have clearance to do light lower body workouts. Back when I first was in the accident I was itching to hear that news. I wanted to jump back to the weights but now I’ve been avoiding the gym for a few weeks.
I am terrified of going back, I know that my body is no where near where it was before. The strength my head thinks my body has is not the actual strength my body can handle. I know that frustration and lots of pain and discomfort awaits me. I have felt my body rust up you can say. I feel stiffer and more rickety. I am afraid of failing to make my full comeback.
No one really thinks beyond the physical aspect about injuries. Sometimes the mental takes a bigger toll than the actual injury does. I’m afraid but I miss ME. The me who was so disciplined and determined to make her appearance on stage. Me who had the energy to enjoy the outdoors and activities without scheduling ‘recovery time’ to make up for it.
I’ve decided to slowly make a comeback to the gym. I have started with cleaning up my diet to help my energy level and start shedding off the weight I gained from inactivity. Preparing to go through the process of loving my body again and shaping it to what I want it to be. It’s going to be a hellish road but I am determined to do this. Small changes will create the bigger picture eventually, I just need to remind myself of that.
I’ll start blogging again to give me a bit of an outlet, I had initially wanted to start after my accident but again frustration and chaos kind of took over my life. Better late than never!
“It may be stormy but it never rains forever”